Personal ranty long status time.
We’re nearly at the end of the Fringe. Farhan and I have three more performances of Life Lessons and a handful of open spots left. Performing at this festival is the one thing I’ve been properly passionate about since a long time. Since I first heard it was a thing. This year, I have finally achieved that.

We’ve been averaging audiences of 15-20 a day, and I’ve been watching friends sell out and make real, incredibly-well-deserved progress this year. Our show sold out a couple of times at the weekend which provoked sensation I haven’t felt for a long time. I’m slightly bitter to be honest, that our show hasn’t garnered any reviews yet. It was one of my key targets of coming up here, in terms of progressing in increments.

Some amazing shows have been nominated for the main awards this year and some others that I thought were destined to win didn’t. People keep saying that they’re proud of me, in awe, think I’m brave, etc, for doing this festival and all that stuff. I think the hardest part is maintaining the smile when flyering to people angry that I’m in their city begging for attention. Especially when you’re as ill as I’ve made myself and scared of human rejection as an anxiety disorder and depression make you. 

Today, I finally did it. I finally was myself on stage. Not the exagerated character I seem to play who’s outraged or overly confused for no reason. Not the version of me that sort of just shouts ‘pity me’ and then expects laughter, but the honest and genuinely funny version of me that friends always comment that I hide from the stage. Not any more. Today we had about 15 people in, and despite being the most unwell I’ve felt since I was first diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, and a subsequent thing in my chest called Layrngopheceal Reflux (which served to explain my constantly muffled style of speaking unless I exert real energy into swallowing endless chest build-up).

I digress. I was myself. I wasn’t a restricted unfabled five minutes of muttering about not being one of the lads, I was a riffing and fast-paced weirdo that was earnest. I know I can’t review myself, but today was among the best I’ve ever felt whilst performing.

Some of my friends have reminded me that one of my main objectives up here should be to leave a better comedian, and not just see this in terms of the admin and external nonsense, but to just see if I feel I can still do this after four weeks of ups and downs and illness and confusion. More than ever, I feel like a comedian today. It feels great.

I’ll do another blog next week in which I would like to do short write-ups of everything I’ve seen and properly diarise the festival for the year gone before I open my YouTube channel at last and begin lots of other projects.

Life Lessons is on for three days more! If you want to join myself and Farhan at the best we’ve ever been, come to The Mash House on Cowgate/Guthrie Street at 1.40. Pay what you want on the way out.

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