Well, if no-one else is going to review the series finale of politics properly, I will.
Well, the Age of Austerity story arc was allegedly coming to its end, but the writers have revealed that they hadn’t planned the ending for the election sub-story arc until literally the last minute. Ultimately, they’ve gone for it with the ‘Blue Wedding’ script for the finale. The bookend for the political cinematic universe has expanded beyond the original shows, PMQs and Question Time, and has since comprised of sitcoms such as Daily Politics, Newsnight, but also video games such as the Alternative Vote Dimension and the London Riots Survival, and films such as Royal Wedding and Death of a Thatcher really shook everything up. It’s like a satire on the Marvel Cinematic Universe or something.
The writers looked set to continue with the coalition shakeup to keep people engaged, having spent the last five years introducing an array of characters to convince people that there was still potential in the format. The five year Age of Austerity mini-show (somehow referencing Age of Ultron five years before its release) was up in the air.
For those that missed the finale to the series, it isn’t available on iPlayer as they made it a 16-hour-long episode, and even provided alternate versions (you didn’t have to buy the box set) that slowly, painfully unveiled who was surviving and who was being written out of the show. Those who watched it on the BBC saw Dimbleby the Grey and Neil the Hat interviewing characters as they discovered their fates, whereas Channel 4 provided Paxmandore and Mitchelly the dwarf natter with intercut Gogglebox episodes for six hours. Less good. The BBC were a tad behind throughout the night, but Sky couldn’t decide what their angle was going to be, and which aspect of politics interested them the most, the voting or the waiting, with lots of excellent footage of the counts providing meaningless waste of video storage space.
Apparently, ITV were covering it as well.
As Dimbleby the Grey beheld the mood matrix’s exit poll, the country could not cope. The fandom cried, extensively, saying that there was no way that the writers would implement such a radical change and actually take characters away from the red team, nor that so many characters could get killed off from the Liberal Democrats.
And yet, they did. The writers, having written themselves into a corner with the Lib Dems being an alternative voice, created a population that could not comprehend an alternative voice actually being in a government unless they achieved everything. As such, they decided to replace them with a Scotland-specific set of characters; The SNP, or, the new yellows. They tested them out in the Scotland-specific video game last year, ‘The Battle for Independence’ which killed off the fish-overlord Salmond after a whopping 80% of all people became writers in the show. The playing community decided that Scotland should be part of the playable map for the future. There was a price to this. The new SNP playable characters all became full on candidates to be series regulars, which meant some huge changes would occur in the inevitable finale.
The map previously controlled by Labour clans was now going to be written by the Scottish without ‘westminster bastards’ ruining stuff. Nicola Sturgeon, the powerful she-dragon sprouted her wings and breathed fire upon all the previous ‘incumbent’ characters. The writers gambled, and it paid off with shock deaths characters including Vincent the Economiwizard, Charles the Wise and Sober, and even the Foreign Secretary Wannabe Douglas Alexander was the first surprise random character death. The new Scottish writers had clearly won the arguments in those writers meetings.
And then when the south side of the border started announcing, things got real interesting. The writers decided that Miliband’s brother-defeating redemption arc was not to end as he planned. Blue family members routed the red army up and down the nation. Ukippers appeared here and there, but none had enough to get into a strong enough position to make their own attacks.
And then it got personal. Blue family members started using the unpopularity of their clockwork-orange counterparts to climb the euphoric tidal wave of a slim majority to take the orange seats themselves, sick of working with them, desiring to work above them. Winning the social media minigame turned out to mean nothing for the Militrons or Milibaes.
As the night progressed, the country saw it all happen: Ed Balls was also defeated, and the national holiday of Ed Balls Day will now be abolished. As Channel 4 continued to broadcast the ‘expert’ arguments of Louise Mensch (sometimes they like showing off their CGI monsters budget) and Richard Osman, the BBC started to sense a disturbance in the force.
Exactly when and why the writers aborted the ‘Ed is tough enough’ character arc that they were building and replaced with the sudden overpowering the of the Camerontron allies is unclear at this stage. However, it has become very clear that a year of guessing and minigame ‘polling’ servers was wasted (a seperate app of sorts within the show, that definitely became too big a part of proceeedings). Guessing things for a year, it turns out, does not matter – but it does make the majority of players feel more entitled to complain. At this point, there are no plans to refund the subscription fees of upset players, but the Camerontrons might reduce them, budgetary restraints permitting.
And that was the election. Shortly after watching all of his friends die, Nick Clegg rushed to resign. Having watched none of his friends succeed and realise that no-one really liked him, the actor playing Nigel Farage said he might resign, but will definitely not star in any of the summer specials, (this turned out to be a baiting theatrical plot twist, with his crying face over his lack of new empire earning him sympathy enough from a small sympathetic elite of writers forcing him back into the series for the future somehow, thus proving the character’s ironic position and satirical intent on his hatred of ‘the elite’).
Ed Militron has also been written out, much to the sadness of the late surging Milifandom, (with his fate pretty much sealed since 2011’s SNP Scotland victories pretty-much defining everything). Those that wrote Miliband’s character for the last few years have been surprisingly quiet for the last few days, and just wanna work out who to pit against who for his role in the next season. Old characters like Tony Blair and Older Brother Miliband have been used for commentary, but no-one knows what to do.
Hardly a satisfactory end to his character-arc.
Given that some of the new main characters and their actors want to rid of the BBC, so let’s hope the BBC will last long enough to see what happens next.
I am terrified and excited for reviewing Politics: Infinity Bores in a few years.